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Post by sandkit on Aug 6, 2009 12:50:07 GMT -5
Sandpool padded to the outside of her leaders den with a plump fish in her mouth. A hunting patrol had just came back. She dropped the fish in the ground, and called out to her leader. " May I come in?" Sandpool waited patiently at out of Silverstar's den. The medicine cat was very patient. So she sat the waiting for her leader Silverstar's reply.
Sandpool flicked her ear there was a fly buzzing in her ear. The medicine cat noticed that it would not go away. Sandpool started to shake her head. The fly came came from her ear down to her face. Sandpool stood on her hind legs and clapped the fly in her paws. She gave a snort of amuzment.
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Post by neko on Aug 6, 2009 15:24:50 GMT -5
Your post is okay, but it needs some work. (I'm a sucker for detail XD)
You're movements are slightly plain and need more detail. I don't hear much about your pelt or your eyes. Or the fish..the fish needs love too.
Your emotions are there, but not really described. Weather and mood are great for extending your posts, don't go overboard, but go indepth, and make sure that you make your character spark!
I would say re do this post, and then try to include so much detail till your hands hurt. For example, describe the day, describe your mood, describe the leader's den, describe how your day was...
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Post by sandkit on Aug 9, 2009 20:09:06 GMT -5
(Ehhh this is embaressing for me! Since I am an admin!) Sandpool walked to the entance of her leaders den with a plump silver fish in her white mouth. A hunting patrol had just came back with loads of prey. So Sandpool deicided to get her leader some prey, also this would be a good time to share her thoughts on a certain kit, Pearlkit. She dropped the plump silver fish on the ground gently, and called out to her leader, Silverstar. " May I come in please?" Sandpool waited patiently at out of Silverstar's den. The calico medicine cat was always very patient, so the she-cat sat at the entrance, waiting for her leader Silverstar's reply.
Sandpool flicked her ear there was a annoying, gray fly buzzing in her calico ear. The calico medicine cat noticed that it would not go away. Sandpool started to shake her soft, calico head. The fly came came from her calico ear down to her white muzzle. Sandpool stood on her calico legs, she wait until the right moment then clapped the fly in her paws. She gave a small snort of amuzment and satisfaction mixed. Sandpool was both amuzed and happy that she had gotten rid of the ugly, gray fly. Although she felt sorry for the creature as well, it was just doing what it knew what to do.
(enough detail? hehe I got carried away)
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Post by Oblivion on Aug 10, 2009 13:21:20 GMT -5
Dont be embarassed Sand lol I wish you would post like this everytime
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Post by sandkit on Aug 10, 2009 19:46:41 GMT -5
Hey on this site lines are smaller! Really they are!
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